Thursday, July 3, 2014

217 Days...

Based on extensive research, my last blog post here was November 27, 2013.  Today is July 3, 2014, which means I've gone 217 days between entries.  If I had stopped shaving for 217 days, my beard would be at least a quarter inch long.  If I had dieted for 217 days, I would probably be trying to figure out a way to gain a few pounds because I'd lost too much weight.

You can accomplish a lot in 217 days.  Unfortunately, nothing gets accomplished when one stops writing.

Here's what happens instead.  First, and this is almost always the case, I run into people who I see only at sporting or school events for my kids.  I genuinely like these people, mostly because they don't get upset when I contact them to make them aware I have a new blog entry.  Because we're social friends, they don't expect anything other than a nice conversation at whatever event we're attending together.  I don't need to call these people just to say hi.  I don't need to help them build a deck or harvest their orchard.  These are my "holiday picture" friends.  I've never seen a bad holiday picture.  We only take pictures of the good parts of holidays.  So, these are my "holiday picture" friends.  They literally don't have a bad side.  But for all their positive attributes, these same people put all sorts of pressure on me by asking when my next blog piece will be coming out.  The first words out of their mouths are always: "Hey, when are you going to do some more blogging?"  I typically deflect by claiming to be too busy with work, then I quickly change the subject by asking, "You really read it?"  And even though I know they'll say yes, I wait for their response to ask "Why?"

In reality, only my friends (the regular and holiday picture kind) and select relatives that I haven't offended in my writings actually read this blog.  I suppose I could blame some marketing glitch, but I understand just how all this works: I write it, then Facebook and email anyone who hasn't implicitly said to never contact them again about the blog.  That's it.  No advertising campaign.  No public service announcement.  Just me, contacting anyone I know who will read it because I've been encouraged just enough to keep doing this...every 217 days. 

But, for those who do receive the notification that a new blog entry is out there, I'm sure it's like getting a chain letter or email.  You kind of have to open it.  The guilt will suffocate you if you don't.  The difference is, my blog articles don't come with disclaimers like: "Failure to read this blog will result in a year of pure hell where you'll lose your job, your spouse, your house and your car keys.  But, if you read it, you will receive $1,000 checks from former grade school classmates for no real reason every week for the rest of the year."  No, it doesn't go like that.  Instead my blog comes with a more subtle and unwritten warning - "Basically, if you don't read what Steve poured his heart into for hours and days, and comment on how great it was the next time you see him in public, you'll probably force him to lose hope and give up.  If you don't read it, the disappointment will hurl him into a black hole of despair and you won't ever see or hear from him again." 

There it is in a nutshell.  So, what is this "black hole of despair"?  Glad you asked.

This is how it'll go down.  I'll gas up my silver 2012 Ford Fusion with premium unleaded and just start driving...west.  I won't even clean out the fast food bags first.  And once I start driving, I won't stop, except for bathroom breaks and more gas (and Slim Jims and Cherry Coke), until I reach Jackson Hole Wyoming.  This should take me two to three days depending on how long it takes me to shower in the gas station's bathroom sink - and stop crying.  Once I arrive in Jackson Hole, I'll officially change my name to Gus Reardon and will take up smoking.  And I'll smoke everything - cigarettes (filtered and unfiltered), cigars, pipes and even hookah.  If it can be smoked, I'll smoke it.  I'll even buy a really good used charcoal smoker and only eat foods that are smoked.  After a while, the locals of Jackson Hole will nickname me "Smokey".  Gus "Smokey" Reardon.  I'll make a living trick roping and gun spinning for tourists.  It'll pay just enough to afford a back closet at Hungry Jack's General Store.  Oddly, the owner of Hungry Jack's is a fellow named Lynn, who is not in the least bit interesting.     

Occasionally, I'll think about my former life and my family.  If I have anything left over after paying Lynn and buying various meats, I'll send them a check.  I won't ever explain who Uncle Gus is in the letters I'll mail with the checks.  Some days I'll contemplate going to Jackson Hole library to get on the internet and start writing again.  But my hands are too sore and tender from rope practice that I end up talking myself out of it.

Then, one day an old friend of mine from my Ohio days will come across me during one of my shows.  Without saying anything, he'll knock me cold from behind with one of my own guns, feed me sedatives, cover me with a burlap sack and deliver me back to Cleveland in the back of his SUV.

I'll try to do better than blogging once every 217 days.  Even if you don't care about what I write, please pretend to read it and I promise I won't be upset if you ask me when I'll be blogging again.  I really don't want to have to go to Jackson Hole.  And, I don't want to have to leave my family behind.  But, I may just change my name to Gus Reardon anyway.


  1. I've missed you Lusky! No Wyoming......please.

  2. Steve, my holiday pic friend! Very funny, as always. @gusreardon is already taken, so you will have to find a new twitter handle. And you have now made me put Jackson Hole on my bucket list. You had me at hookah......or was it trick roping that swayed me? I hope you and your family are having a good summer. Be well my friend.