Hey, how's everyone doing? It's New Years Eve. Woohoo!!! Time to dust off the noisemakers and glitter-crusted party hats. Time to get get my drink on and get this party started right.
Wrong.
Let me get this all right out in the open so there is no confusion later on. I hate everything having to do with the celebration of the new year. It turns my stomach. It makes my skin crawl. If you see me on the street, just know that I was perfectly happy with this year, and I don't see why we have to go ahead and change it -- let's keep it going.
Over the last century or so we've invented things like the airplane, i-Pod and Viagra. And no one could come up with another set of months? Like Frickuary or Redecember. Think about it. If 2010 goes for say another twelve or twenty-four months, is anyone really going to get hurt? No way. In fact, I'm pretty sure that having a birthday only once every 36 months will keep us from aging. If it's good enough for the leap year people, then it's good enough for me.
In a nutshell, I'll do anything to avoid having to celebrate a new year. There are certain things that lie at the core of my hatred. For those who like lists, here's a list of things I hate about New Year's Eve, New Year's Day and everything that comes along with it.
Newspapers
If you're still a newspaper reader, regardless of where you live, two articles will uncannily pop up on the front page either December 31st or January 1st. The first is the "Year In Review" article. Oh, I love picking up that newspaper to find out all the things I already know. It's called a "news"paper for a reason. And people wonder why daily circulation is on the decline. The second is the "Predictions" article. Now most of the time, this article will be infused with some base attempt at humor. You know, things that will never happen but seem cute and funny to the author. Things like: "February 2011: President Obama challenges Glen Beck to charity pick-up basketball game to help fund social security." Wow. Doesn't my time mean anything to newspaper editors?
Resolutions
You know, I think it's wonderful when people really try to improve themselves. Unfortunately, New Year's resolutions are a mockery to all other resolutions.
The best New Year's resolutions are the ones that require the person to stop doing something. Like "I'm going to stop smoking" or "I'm going to stop swearing" or "I'm going to stop having sex with my cousin." Usually these people do not get willpower in their Christmas stockings, so most of these types of resolutions are broken January 2nd.
Then there are those that choose to become physically fit during the new year. They're going to eat right, join a health club and start working out. Now this is the resolution that affects me the most. If you've ever been in a health club or rec center in early January, you'll know that there are a boatload of people who choose this resolution. I applaud their effort, but they clog up the treadmills and other machines to the point of workout gridlock. I've learned to stay away during these times. The good news is that by January 12th or so, things are back to normal. What someone should come up with is a temporary health club to cater to these short-term Jack Lalannes -- just like the Halloween and Christmas shops that pop up for a month right before the holiday in empty retail spaces across town.
Auld Lang Syne
Whenever I hear this song, I wonder if anyone really knows what they're singing. Like Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus" or Led Zeppelin's "Stairway To Heaven", you can't possibly like this song for anything other than the melody. "Should old acquaintance be forgot and old lang syne" and "If there's a bussel in your hedgerow" have a lot more in common than one might think. On the Song Relavancy Scale, "Auld Lang Syne" comes in at a minus six. By the way, "Happy Birthday" is a perfect ten. I'll bet if you played the song backwards it would make a whole hell of a lot more sense. It would probably say something like, "Happy New Year you old bastard. I thought you'd never figure this out. Now take this record and smash it to bits with a sledgehammer."
Times Square
I gotta tell you, those are the drunkest looking sober people I've ever seen. You couldn't get me to stand in that mass of humanity for ten hours to watch Liberace's left nut descend from the sky if naked women popped out of the thing and started giving free lap dances.
Once again, tradition wins out over innovation. With all the great creative minds in this country, we ought to be able to come up with something a little more inspiring to ring in the new year. Well, maybe we have in Port Clinton, Ohio. It's the Great Walleye Drop. Check it out at http://www.walleyemadness.com/. Though it still involves dropping things, it's a step in the right direction.
Dick Clark
The only thing I can say about Dick Clark is...Why??? Why do you torture us??? And, just so I'm not labled as someone who makes fun of stroke victims, this is a question I asked before his attack.
Though I try to be sensitive to his challenges, it hasn't stopped me playing a drinking game during the last three "Rockin' New Year's Eve" shows. It's easy to play. Every time you understand a word that Dick says, you drink. And you'd be right if you guessed I've been sober the last three New Year's Eves. But then, why would I waste a hangover on such a despicable holiday?
Well, that's my list of things I hate about celebrating the new year. Please be safe if you feel differently than me and must go out and celebrate -- dead people can't read my blog.
Happy New Year. Bah humbug.
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